Day 731: It *is* Still Sad, Of Course I Know That.

Three weeks before the second anniversary of what I am now calling Love and Hope Day – my first day intentionally free from abuse in my own home – x no showed to court and my life suddenly became my own and my child was given the gift of an indefinite amount of time toContinue reading “Day 731: It *is* Still Sad, Of Course I Know That.”

First Grade First Day & Hearing Ten

And when the storm’s out, you run in the rain Put your sword down, dive right into the pain Stay unfiltered and loud, you’ll be proud of that skin full of scars All I Know So Far, Pink It was controlled chaos. Hundreds of kids supposed to filter into one gate and it took twentyContinue reading “First Grade First Day & Hearing Ten”

My Mom May Be ‘Crazy’ ~ But It Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Does

The cloudslike my Grandmothercarry a loadthey can no longersupport “Summer Storms” by Nikki Giovanni I got one of those calls this week. The ones that seem innocuous and then you find out she’s off her meds again. It’s been a while. A long while. As far as I know. She’s doing some real crazy stuff.Continue reading “My Mom May Be ‘Crazy’ ~ But It Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Does”

There is No ‘Both Sides’: Sometimes We Have to Be Reminded Why Cutting Ties with Mutual Friends is One of the Necessary Pains of Healing

The poison leaves bit by bit, not all at once.Be patient. You are healing. Yasmin Mogahed It started over a picture of cupcakes. Lined up in cute little rows in front of a birthday sign I made. For x’s birthday party. Well, one of three birthday parties I threw him that year for his 50th.Continue reading “There is No ‘Both Sides’: Sometimes We Have to Be Reminded Why Cutting Ties with Mutual Friends is One of the Necessary Pains of Healing”

To the Woman Who Met Me on One of My Very Worst Days

It was my daughter’s very first time at the beach. It should have been a beautiful day. Looking in from the outside, it was: sunshine and ocean and junk food and boardwalk rides. But my daughter cried every time her fat little toddler toes touched the sand and she would creep back to the centerContinue reading “To the Woman Who Met Me on One of My Very Worst Days”

An Open Letter to My Friends & Family: Just Because You Don’t Get It Doesn’t Mean It’s Not Real.

On a Friday night as I sat at the dinner table with my daughter playing a fun question and answer game, my six year old told me her name should have been Melody. For the first time in months, I felt kicked in the gut. Even though I was sitting still, I felt dizzy. LikeContinue reading “An Open Letter to My Friends & Family: Just Because You Don’t Get It Doesn’t Mean It’s Not Real.”

Stand Up for Me (& I’ll Stand Beside You)

When you’re in an abusive relationship, you don’t even see the triangulation that’s happening. At least, you don’t see it for what it is. You see something – but not with your eyes. You feel it. You feel the sharp points of each angle. The stabs are there but you spend all kinds of timeContinue reading “Stand Up for Me (& I’ll Stand Beside You)”

One Year Ago: The Boy Who Cried Neglect

One year ago today x filed an emergency ex parte claiming I was neglecting our daughter. I didn’t know it until days later, though. Until sometime the week after. It had already been denied by the time I found out about it and he had already refiled a regular motion. One year and two daysContinue reading “One Year Ago: The Boy Who Cried Neglect”

The Only Way Through is Out.

Everything is gestation and then birthing. Rainer Maria Rilke I was 41 years, five months and 26 days old when I gave birth to my daughter. When I decided, after two decades of being childless by choice, that I was going to see if I could be with child by choice, I was old enoughContinue reading “The Only Way Through is Out.”

She’s Not Guilty, Your Honor

I have a lot of conversations in my head. I guess most people do, but I think those of us newly out of an abusive relationship have more than we ever have had before in our lives. The harshness of the smear campaigns means we have a lot to say and that saying it willContinue reading “She’s Not Guilty, Your Honor”