Category Archives: In the Middle of It All

Why We Stay on the Bus: On Cognitive Dissonance, Paralysis and All Those Words That Just Aren’t Enough.

Let’s just breeze past the fact that the first (or even the tenth) question anyone gets after leaving abuse shouldn’t be ‘why didn’t you leave sooner?’ because, for now, it’s what we hear over and over and over. It’s the mantra when any story even similar to what we’ve lived hits the news. It’s notContinue reading “Why We Stay on the Bus: On Cognitive Dissonance, Paralysis and All Those Words That Just Aren’t Enough.”

There May Be 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover ~ But Shame is One of the Ways Abusers Get Us to ‘Stay’

Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change. Brené Brown You changed my lifeWe were as green as grassAnd I was hypnotizedFrom the first til the lastKiss of shame, shame, shame PJ Harvey, Shame I was standing at the bottom of the stairs, just outside of view of theContinue reading “There May Be 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover ~ But Shame is One of the Ways Abusers Get Us to ‘Stay’”

First Grade First Day & Hearing Ten

And when the storm’s out, you run in the rain Put your sword down, dive right into the pain Stay unfiltered and loud, you’ll be proud of that skin full of scars All I Know So Far, Pink It was controlled chaos. Hundreds of kids supposed to filter into one gate and it took twentyContinue reading “First Grade First Day & Hearing Ten”

My Mom May Be ‘Crazy’ ~ But It Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Does

The cloudslike my Grandmothercarry a loadthey can no longersupport “Summer Storms” by Nikki Giovanni I got one of those calls this week. The ones that seem innocuous and then you find out she’s off her meds again. It’s been a while. A long while. As far as I know. She’s doing some real crazy stuff.Continue reading “My Mom May Be ‘Crazy’ ~ But It Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Does”

There is No ‘Both Sides’: Sometimes We Have to Be Reminded Why Cutting Ties with Mutual Friends is One of the Necessary Pains of Healing

The poison leaves bit by bit, not all at once.Be patient. You are healing. Yasmin Mogahed It started over a picture of cupcakes. Lined up in cute little rows in front of a birthday sign I made. For x’s birthday party. Well, one of three birthday parties I threw him that year for his 50th.Continue reading “There is No ‘Both Sides’: Sometimes We Have to Be Reminded Why Cutting Ties with Mutual Friends is One of the Necessary Pains of Healing”

Day 626: Feeling Some Kind of Way Today, Take Two

I’ve been walking around in an invisible plastic bubble since yesterday. Normally, post-court, I feel dizzy for a few hours and have to let the info settle in my head before I feel grounded again. This time: no dizziness. Just this lightness and an odd distance between my body and the rest of the world.Continue reading “Day 626: Feeling Some Kind of Way Today, Take Two”

An Open Letter to My Friends & Family: Just Because You Don’t Get It Doesn’t Mean It’s Not Real.

On a Friday night as I sat at the dinner table with my daughter playing a fun question and answer game, my six year old told me her name should have been Melody. For the first time in months, I felt kicked in the gut. Even though I was sitting still, I felt dizzy. LikeContinue reading “An Open Letter to My Friends & Family: Just Because You Don’t Get It Doesn’t Mean It’s Not Real.”

Stand Up for Me (& I’ll Stand Beside You)

When you’re in an abusive relationship, you don’t even see the triangulation that’s happening. At least, you don’t see it for what it is. You see something – but not with your eyes. You feel it. You feel the sharp points of each angle. The stabs are there but you spend all kinds of timeContinue reading “Stand Up for Me (& I’ll Stand Beside You)”

One Year Ago: The Boy Who Cried Neglect

One year ago today x filed an emergency ex parte claiming I was neglecting our daughter. I didn’t know it until days later, though. Until sometime the week after. It had already been denied by the time I found out about it and he had already refiled a regular motion. One year and two daysContinue reading “One Year Ago: The Boy Who Cried Neglect”