To the Woman Who Met Me on One of My Very Worst Days

It was my daughter’s very first time at the beach. It should have been a beautiful day. Looking in from the outside, it was: sunshine and ocean and junk food and boardwalk rides. But my daughter cried every time her fat little toddler toes touched the sand and she would creep back to the centerContinue reading “To the Woman Who Met Me on One of My Very Worst Days”

An Open Letter to the Friends of My Abuser

“As long as we see abusers as victims, or as out-of-control monsters, they will continue getting away with ruining lives. If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation” Lundy Bancroft A couple of months after x had moved out, when we were still tryingContinue reading “An Open Letter to the Friends of My Abuser”

Day 626: Feeling Some Kind of Way Today, Take Two

I’ve been walking around in an invisible plastic bubble since yesterday. Normally, post-court, I feel dizzy for a few hours and have to let the info settle in my head before I feel grounded again. This time: no dizziness. Just this lightness and an odd distance between my body and the rest of the world.Continue reading “Day 626: Feeling Some Kind of Way Today, Take Two”

An Open Letter to My Friends & Family: Just Because You Don’t Get It Doesn’t Mean It’s Not Real.

On a Friday night as I sat at the dinner table with my daughter playing a fun question and answer game, my six year old told me her name should have been Melody. For the first time in months, I felt kicked in the gut. Even though I was sitting still, I felt dizzy. LikeContinue reading “An Open Letter to My Friends & Family: Just Because You Don’t Get It Doesn’t Mean It’s Not Real.”

We Took a Hard Left, But We’re Alright.

Mama, come in here! She was in the bathtub and had been singing along with a song I hadn’t heard before.  Something about a broken home and a cracked foundation. But she had paused it to call to me. I went in the bathroom and sat on the closed toilet as she said, loudly, Alexa-Continue reading “We Took a Hard Left, But We’re Alright.”

Stand Up for Me (& I’ll Stand Beside You)

When you’re in an abusive relationship, you don’t even see the triangulation that’s happening. At least, you don’t see it for what it is. You see something – but not with your eyes. You feel it. You feel the sharp points of each angle. The stabs are there but you spend all kinds of timeContinue reading “Stand Up for Me (& I’ll Stand Beside You)”

One Year Ago: The Boy Who Cried Neglect

One year ago today x filed an emergency ex parte claiming I was neglecting our daughter. I didn’t know it until days later, though. Until sometime the week after. It had already been denied by the time I found out about it and he had already refiled a regular motion. One year and two daysContinue reading “One Year Ago: The Boy Who Cried Neglect”

28 Pricks

And then it was Angelina’s turn to dance. Her heart started beating like a drum and she couldn’t remember what she was supposed to be doing. From Angelina and the Princess by Katharine Holabird This is what it’s like to ‘co’parent with a narcissistic parent (this is what it’s like when you’re free): you workContinue reading “28 Pricks”

The Only Way Through is Out.

Everything is gestation and then birthing. Rainer Maria Rilke I was 41 years, five months and 26 days old when I gave birth to my daughter. When I decided, after two decades of being childless by choice, that I was going to see if I could be with child by choice, I was old enoughContinue reading “The Only Way Through is Out.”