Day 731: It *is* Still Sad, Of Course I Know That.

Three weeks before the second anniversary of what I am now calling Love and Hope Day – my first day intentionally free from abuse in my own home – x no showed to court and my life suddenly became my own and my child was given the gift of an indefinite amount of time toContinue reading “Day 731: It *is* Still Sad, Of Course I Know That.”

An Open Letter to the Friends of My Abuser

“As long as we see abusers as victims, or as out-of-control monsters, they will continue getting away with ruining lives. If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation” Lundy Bancroft A couple of months after x had moved out, when we were still tryingContinue reading “An Open Letter to the Friends of My Abuser”

Day 626: Feeling Some Kind of Way Today, Take Two

I’ve been walking around in an invisible plastic bubble since yesterday. Normally, post-court, I feel dizzy for a few hours and have to let the info settle in my head before I feel grounded again. This time: no dizziness. Just this lightness and an odd distance between my body and the rest of the world.Continue reading “Day 626: Feeling Some Kind of Way Today, Take Two”

An Open Letter to My Friends & Family: Just Because You Don’t Get It Doesn’t Mean It’s Not Real.

On a Friday night as I sat at the dinner table with my daughter playing a fun question and answer game, my six year old told me her name should have been Melody. For the first time in months, I felt kicked in the gut. Even though I was sitting still, I felt dizzy. LikeContinue reading “An Open Letter to My Friends & Family: Just Because You Don’t Get It Doesn’t Mean It’s Not Real.”

We Took a Hard Left, But We’re Alright.

Mama, come in here! She was in the bathtub and had been singing along with a song I hadn’t heard before.  Something about a broken home and a cracked foundation. But she had paused it to call to me. I went in the bathroom and sat on the closed toilet as she said, loudly, Alexa-Continue reading “We Took a Hard Left, But We’re Alright.”

One Year Ago: The Boy Who Cried Neglect

One year ago today x filed an emergency ex parte claiming I was neglecting our daughter. I didn’t know it until days later, though. Until sometime the week after. It had already been denied by the time I found out about it and he had already refiled a regular motion. One year and two daysContinue reading “One Year Ago: The Boy Who Cried Neglect”

28 Pricks

And then it was Angelina’s turn to dance. Her heart started beating like a drum and she couldn’t remember what she was supposed to be doing. From Angelina and the Princess by Katharine Holabird This is what it’s like to ‘co’parent with a narcissistic parent (this is what it’s like when you’re free): you workContinue reading “28 Pricks”

Not Afraid (but still terrified)

I wasn’t afraid of the bulliesand that just made the bullies worse.                           – Fiona Apple, “Shameika” {As I work through a new post about the newest uptick in intimidation and harassment, I was reminded of this post from 4/28/2020 on my personal blog.Continue reading “Not Afraid (but still terrified)”

One Decade, Three Women

Ten years ago tomorrow, I stood, alone, in the kitchen of a man I thought I loved, after he’d already left for work, and looked around and took one deep, deep breath that I exhaled in several short bursts and said, out loud up toward the ceiling of his tiny, perfect little house: I can’tContinue reading “One Decade, Three Women”