Author Archives: UnGastheLight

Survivors Can’t Ever Do It Right Enough ~ For Cassie and the Women Who Will Never Know That She Saved Them

Six days before I finally ended the relationship with the man that almost broke me, I unlocked the back door and let him sneak in to my bedroom after our daughter’s bedtime. He had returned our daughter to the home he no longer lived in just a couple of hours before and then walked theContinue reading “Survivors Can’t Ever Do It Right Enough ~ For Cassie and the Women Who Will Never Know That She Saved Them”

10th Birthday ~ On Grifts, Gravity and Gratitude.

Nothing could have prepared me for the realization that I was a mother . . . when I knew I was still in a state of uncreation myself. Adrienne Rich Ten years ago today, at a little after 2pm, I was deep in the throes of the last fifteen minutes of labor when I satContinue reading “10th Birthday ~ On Grifts, Gravity and Gratitude.”

Don’t Let the Door Hit You ~ Saying Goodbye to the Home of My Biggest Love and My Greatest Fear.

Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kidsIn fact, it’s cold as hell Elton John, Rocket Man. Song Four, Side One, Honky Château It was one of those May afternoons in California’s Bay Area that feel like what you would dream up for a perfect summer day. A new multi-unit building had justContinue reading “Don’t Let the Door Hit You ~ Saying Goodbye to the Home of My Biggest Love and My Greatest Fear.”

Healing is the Long Hard Road Out of Hell ~ on hidden books and moving on.

Life is too short to read a bad book. James Joyce I am getting ready to move out of the home I shared with x. The home our child has lived in her whole life. The home I lived in when I fell madly in love with him and then personally placed alarm sensors onContinue reading “Healing is the Long Hard Road Out of Hell ~ on hidden books and moving on.”

Two Years Later: Freedom’s Just Another Word for Everything Left to Lose

I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then. Bob Seger, Against the Wind On August 26th, two years ago, my daughter started first grade – her first onsite school year – and I had to report for virtual court to see if x had done any of the things the judge hadContinue reading “Two Years Later: Freedom’s Just Another Word for Everything Left to Lose”

I Am the Wreck ~ On Half Centuries, Half-Knowing, and Halving Yourself.

First having read the book of myths,and loaded the camera,and checked the edge of the knife-blade,I put onthe body armor of black rubberand absurd flippersthe grave and awkward mask.I am having to do thisnot like Cousteau with hisassiduous teamaboard the sun-flooded schoonerbut here alone. from Diving Into the Wreck by Adrienne Rich (1972) I amContinue reading “I Am the Wreck ~ On Half Centuries, Half-Knowing, and Halving Yourself.”

Dark Days, Darker Nights

Let me love the world like a mother.Let me be tender when it lets me down. Maggie Smith / from the poem “Rain, New Year’s Eve”. Last weekend, Mother’s Day weekend, a Utah mother got the news we’ve all lived in fear of (but probably haven’t voiced out loud to more than our closest friends).Continue reading “Dark Days, Darker Nights”

Mother’s Day #50: On Being Both Mother and Daughter

I am a reflection of my mother’s secret poetry as well as of her hidden angers. Audre Lorde Being a mother is a hard thing. So is being a daughter. My mother stopped talking to me the year I turned 26. I fell in love with a woman and after a year of accommodating myContinue reading “Mother’s Day #50: On Being Both Mother and Daughter”

‘She’ll Just Go Back to Him’ ~ Desperation, Safety, & Survival Calculations

This is not how your story ends. It’s simply where it takes a turn you didn’t expect. Cheryl Strayed Today I read a post, in one of the private groups I’m in, by a member who posted anonymously about being in the situation with the abusive ex of trying to reconcile, while already in courtContinue reading “‘She’ll Just Go Back to Him’ ~ Desperation, Safety, & Survival Calculations”