UnGastheLight

In the Daylight Again

(As I approach the one year anniversary of setting myself free, I am sharing posts from my personal blog that I wrote not only before I started this blog, but also before I was fully out of the fog and could see what I was dealing with…. here’s to time passing and clarity coming toContinue reading “In the Daylight Again”

Not So Little Conversations

Like a book with missing pagesLike a story incompleteLike a painting left unfinishedIt feels like not enough to eat. – Little Conversations, Concrete Blonde I’m acutely aware of time sailing by at breakneck speed these days. Even when, in theory, it should feel like trying to drain the last of the honey jar now thatContinue reading “Not So Little Conversations”

Natural Consequences

(This post was written pre-COVID and during my original paternity case) This morning, my daughter, yet again, wasn’t ready on time. She’s barely five. This happens, right? All parents know this. Right? She suddenly doesn’t like going to school. Might have to do with her father and I finally splitting for good a few monthsContinue reading “Natural Consequences”

Vigilance as Meditation

There have been so many hoops in the process. Decide to be done. Not give in to the promises to focus on his family when I’ve heard it so many times. Try to amicably agree on custody. Lawyer up after threats and attempts to bully me into submission. Get through court. Get through the secondContinue reading “Vigilance as Meditation”

Feeling Some Kind of Way Today

I’m really feeling some kind of way today so I am ready to say too much on social media. To share too much. To rail at the sky with the unfairness of it all. To take out an ad in a local newspaper or hire a sky-writer to do a little large-scale truth-telling. To railContinue reading “Feeling Some Kind of Way Today”

What Must Divide

Court is over. For now. I still need to file a child support motion so I know I’ll be back sooner than later. But tonight, I’m three days out from finally being done with the bullshit neglect charges that have resulted in him getting almost nothing that he filed for but gave me decision makingContinue reading “What Must Divide”

I Have Me

Two nights before what I hope will be my last court date for a good, long while, I was up from midnight to 3:00am. My eyes stung and watered but I couldn’t sleep. I gave up an hour in and started watching a cheesy TV show I’ve been binging (my tastes always going far moreContinue reading “I Have Me”

Father’s Day

I have had lots of rough Mother’s Days over a couple of eras of my life, but despite being raised by a step-father (the man I now call Dad) and not having any real contact with my biological father past age eleven, I can’t remember ever having any particularly sad or tough Father’s Days. UntilContinue reading “Father’s Day”

Just Call Me Snowflake

Tonight I crawled into my daughter’s bed to hear her breathing and stare at her face and remember why it is that I had to go through what I went through – why I have to go through what I still go through. For her. I wouldn’t have this exact human unless I fell intoContinue reading “Just Call Me Snowflake”

An Open Letter to the Women Who Will Come In and Out of My Daughter’s Life

“I, too, used to want him to be proud of meAnd then I just wanted him to make amendsI wonder what lies he’s telling you about meto make sure that we’ll never be friends” – Fiona Apple, Newspaper Please don’t take it personally when I’m skeptical about how long you’ll be around. There have onlyContinue reading “An Open Letter to the Women Who Will Come In and Out of My Daughter’s Life”